


crazy great

by akamine_chan



Series: The Life of Dinosaurs [2]
Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dinosaurs, Alternate Universe - Reality Show, Alternate Universe - Television Stars, M/M, SCIENCE!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-08
Updated: 2015-10-08
Packaged: 2018-04-25 10:04:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4956076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akamine_chan/pseuds/akamine_chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Outtakes from the <i>Life of Dinosaurs</i>: Gerard and Frank give DinoEgg Oatmeal a whirl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	crazy great

**Author's Note:**

  * For [omens](https://archiveofourown.org/users/omens/gifts), [prophetic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/prophetic/gifts).



> Lightning beta by Ande, as ever. 
> 
> Was working in the cereal aisle stocking instant oatmeal and this is what my brain came up with.
> 
> Can be read as a stand-alone story, you just need to know that dinosaurs exist and Frank and Gerard are Crocodile Hunter type nature show hosts.

"Aaaaand. . .action!" 

Ray panned the camera around Frank and Gerard's kitchen. It was open and charming, warm sunlight slanting in from the windows.

"Hi everyone," Gerard chirped. "We're here at home, enjoying a well deserved break, taking the time to recover from our latest adventures. A faithful viewer sent us a dinosaur related product they found at their local grocery and today we're gonna give DinoEgg Oatmeal a whirl."

Frank helpfully brandished the colorful box toward the camera. "Normally, this kind of thing wouldn't be allowed in our house, because Gerard believes in eating only naturally-sourced, ethically-produced, harvested-under-a-blue-moon-by-children-blessed-by-the-Dalai-Lama-himself-oatmeal—"

"Fuck _off_ ," Gerard said, sotto voce.

Ray winced; that would be a tricky edit.

"—but because loyal viewer L.D. from Ontario, Canada sent us a box of DinoEgg Oatmeal to try out, Gerard has graciously consented to a taste test." Frank waved around what appeared to be a handwritten letter. "L.D. says that he's just turned eleven years old, and his favorite dinosaur are the dromaeosaurids, specifically _Luanchuanraptor henanensis_. L.D. writes to say that for his birthday his parents had a party at the museum for him, and that he loves watching _the Life of Dinosaurs_ every week."

"Keep an eye on your mailbox, L.D.! We're sending you a box of miscellaneous dinosaur-related things we've collected over the years, including a tooth from one of the albertosaurs that almost ate us in Texas last year." Gerard looked directly at the camera. "Keep sending in those letters, dino fans. Frank and I read each and every one of them, and it makes us so happy to know how much you enjoy the show." He emptied two packets of the oatmeal into bowls. "Come check this out, Ray, can we get a close up?"

Ray zoomed in, focusing on the perfectly normal-looking oatmeal. A tattooed finger moved into view, stirring the dry oatmeal until several tiny egg shapes were revealed.

"Dino eggs!" Frank crowed. 

"Well, not really," Gerard countered. Ray pulled the camera back as Gerard picked up the box and started reading off the ingredients. "Whole grain rolled oats, sugar, dinosaur egg shaped pieces. . .wow, the dinosaur egg shaped pieces contain sugar, magnesium stearate, red 40 lake, yellow 6 lake, blue 1 lake, artificial color. . ."

"Okay, okay," Frank said. "We get it. Not exactly healthy."

Gerard rolled his eyes. "Not even close."

"But it's full of dino goodness. It says so right on the box," Frank whined, biting back a grin. He pointed to the tagline in big, bold letters.

"I'll start the kettle. We need half a cup of boiling water for each bowl."

Frank continued to poke at the oatmeal. "The theory here is that the hot water will not only rehydrate the oatmeal, but will dissolve the 'eggs,' revealing baby dinosaurs." He picked out one of the eggs and popped it into his mouth. "Hmmm. Pretty tasteless, just a generic candy flavor." He crunched down on the egg and— "Oh, the actual dinosaurs are pretty tart."

There was a snort from Gerard, and after a minute the kettle started whistling. He brought the kettle over to the table and measured out the water, pouring it over the oatmeal. "Gotta stir it, Frankie."

Frank applied his spoon, stirring carefully. "The candy eggs are melting pretty fast," he reported. "The 'hatched' dinos are pretty easy to spot, since they're brightly colored. Looks like mostly stegasaurids and ceratopsians and—" He squinted at his oatmeal. "Possibly either deformed or mutated pterosaurs. Or maybe they're supposed to be theropods." He shrugged and ate a spoonful of oatmeal.

Ray was glad he was still filming, because the _look_ on Frank's face was priceless.

"Wow, that's. . .nasty."

Gerard bit his lip, holding back the obvious 'told you so' that was on the tip of his tongue.

"The texture is pretty gluey, and there's no flavor in spite of the box being labeled 'brown sugar.'" Frank actually made finger quotes in the air. "The dino candies are sour-sweet, but don't really help make the oatmeal more palatable."

Gerard took a couple of bites before setting his spoon down with a grimace. "Ugh."

Frank smiled at the camera. "I think the dino eggs would be fine as a stand-alone candy, but they're not tasty enough to be an inducement to eat this shit—"

"Oops," Gerard giggled. "Try that line again."

Ray kept the camera rolling as Frank repeated the line, this time without the profanity.

"So, Frank says yes to the candy part of DinoEgg Oatmeal, but it's a resounding no to the actual oatmeal. Great concept, bad execution." Gerard pointed to the colorful dinosaurs on the box. "Also, I'm not sure what's going on here, but these are not very accurate depictions of dinosaurs. And the jokes on the oatmeal packets are absolutely _terrible_."

Frank poked at his oatmeal. "I think it's great to use breakfast as an opportunity to educate kids about dinosaurs, but I don't believe it should be done at the expense of taste."

"Or nutrition," Gerard interjected. "So if you see this stuff at your local grocery store, give it a pass. Your stomach will thank you."

"And cut." Gerard took a large gulp of coffee, trying to wash away the taste of the oatmeal. "Wow, that really is terrible stuff."

"It doesn't have to be. I don't understand why companies can't make healthy, tasty products instead of this shit."

Ray made a rubbing motion with his thumb and two forefingers. "Money."

"Fuckers," Frank muttered. "I'd be so easy to—" He paused, looking thoughtful.

"Easy to what?" Gerard asked.

"Make something fun and educational, tasty and nutritional. Something that supports local businesses, puts money back into communities. . ."

Gerard smiled. "I'll make some phone calls."

Frank leaned up for a kiss.

-fin-

**Author's Note:**

> Part of a actualfax review of the oatmeal: _HOWEVER THE DINOSAURS ON THE BOX ARE SADLY UNFEATHERED. PERHAPS AN ART UPDATE WITH MAXIMUM FEATHERS FOR MAXIMUM PALEONTOLOGICAL ACCURACY._ Someone else complained about the jokes and/or riddles being unchanged for _years_.
> 
> Loyal viewer L.D.'s favorite dinosaur is [here](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luanchuanraptor) \- check out the picture - it looks like it's doing kung fu...
> 
> Prompts for future episodes are very much welcomed. :D


End file.
